Monday, April 4, 2016
Dear Suicide. I understand you.
First off, I am not suicidal. Never have been. I have struggled with depression my whole life though. I just never knew what to call it.
A few years ago I was going through a major depressive episode. I had been left by my boyfriend...again. Every time I went through a major depressive episode and needed someone to be there for me he was gone. My job wasn't going well. I felt like everyone hated me. What friends I had my ex had alienated from me. In short, life was falling apart around me.
It was then, that the weather channels were predicting a hurricane. I thought about driving to where the hurricane was supposed to hit and just walk right into it and let it take me away. At the thought a sudden wave of peace washed over me. I don't think that I have ever had a feeling of such peace.
I think that's why people commit suicide. One's past looks like shit, one's future looks like shit, and there doesn't seem to be much to look forward to but more grief. The thought of just slipping into that eternal sleep can seem like such pleasure... which is what keeps me going. At any time that life gets too much to bear, there is a way out.
I know that things aren't always so dark and bleak. Even now, in the midst of being incredibly depressed I know there is happiness out there. I feel like I am not allowed to taste any of it but I know it's out there. Yet, I am afraid to seek it. Every time that I thought my life was finally pulling together, it all crumbles apart. I know because I am keenly aware because I am either waiting for the clouds to lift or I live in fear that the clouds will return. And the clouds ALWAYS return. They don't always leave, but they ALWAYS return.
I have lost my will to try anymore. All I want to do is drink Nyquil and sleep. I am at the point that pep talks won't help. Everyone says the same thing, "It will be alright." Well, things don't always turn out okay. I read too many crime stories to believe that. I read about all the people that cried for help but no help ever came, or at least not in time.
What good is my existence anyway? No one has any use of me other than what money I can provide and that is getting lower and lower. Before long, there might not be anything left. And when I am no longer providing money or sex or whatever, my value goes down as well. Then, I am only a burden. Perhaps I should buy a life insurance policy.
Life looks really bleak right now and I only see more troubles down the road. I am trying to force myself to keep traveling. I know why people decide to end it. Whether it's right or wrong. I understand.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Saturday, May 10, 2008
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